Guest Attire Etiquette

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My husband and I were recently invited to a 3:00 pm wedding ceremony followed by a 6:00 pm black tie reception. Does this mean that he should wear a suit for the ceremony and then change into a tux for the reception? And does that mean that I have to change dresses?

Breathe yourself a sigh of relief, because one outfit will be plenty for each of you! Though the old school etiquette rules say that you have to wait till the evening to break out the black tie attire, these days, going formal during daylight hours is considered pretty much okay (only tails are now considered simply too much for a daytime ceremony). You should both don your best duds for the ceremony and the reception, no changing required.

A friend of mine is getting married soon, and her wedding color -- from the invites to the cake -- is pink. She let her bridesmaids choose their own dresses (all pink), which is where my problem comes in -- I want to wear my best dress to the wedding, but it's pink too. I don't want to be mistaken for a bridesmaid, so should I consider the wedding color off-limits?

There are no hard-and-fast rules for guest attire, at least beyond what the formality of the occasion itself dictates. If you feel up to it, you could ask the bride (or one of her attendants) what she thinks -- she actually might love the idea of having some of her guests coordinate with her theme. Don't forget, the bridesmaids will have already been standing front-and-center for the entire ceremony -- between that and the bouquets, other guests will probably know who's who by that point.

Even if you don't want to broach the topic, you still have a couple of options. If it's making you that nervous or uncomfortable, you may want to simply choose something else to wear to the occasion. But if you don't want to buy something new (or if you just really love what you've got), why not add a couple of pieces to your attire that'll ensure nobody's confused -- a great accessory like snazzy shoes or a colorful wrap will make certain you'll stand out.

Our reception will be a formal party at an urban photography gallery instead of a traditional reception. My dress is going to be a light gold, with maids and groomsmen in black with light gold accents. Is it okay to ask the guests to dress in black and white only, for a "black and white" party?

It's more than okay -- it's a chic and unique idea that your guests will get excited about. A sea of black and white (highlighted with your touches of gold) will look graphic and gorgeous both in person and in the resulting photographs. You're not asking much of your guests, since the men will be wearing tuxedos anyway and black and white are two colors most women already have plenty of in their wardrobes. Just think it over and be sure it won't bother you to have some women in white dresses at your wedding, although when your shimmery gold dress will be the only color in the room there's certainly no risk of them stealing your spotlight.


We are planning a medieval-style wedding, and would like our guests to dress in period costumes. Is it acceptable to ask this of them?

It is definitely ok to ask, but you can't exactly "require" it -- especially if you want people who may not be able to afford or otherwise get their hands on an appropriate costume to show up! Think of it as a "Black Tie Optional" event, where ideally you would like your guests to come dressed in ultra-formal attire, but you won't make them unwelcome if they don't. Perhaps you can provide some inexpensive costume props at your reception for those who show up without medieval garb.

We are having a late January wedding in Arizona. The reception is outside in the middle of the desert, and there will be a hayride. What do I put on the invitations to let people know to dress warmly (it will be rather chilly) and casually?

It's not really the kind of info to put in a wedding invitation, so instead, include it in one of your less formal wedding mailings. This kind of info is perfect for a save-the-date card; if its too late for those, try and send out a mailing a week or so before the wedding, giving guests last-minute details about the site, transportation, and the fact that it might get cool in the evening. It can just be a "We're so glad you're coming!" kind of letter, letting guests know what to expect and what they'll be most comfortable wearing.

The country club where we are having the reception has a rule about men wearing jackets after 5 p.m. I'm not sure how to pass this info on to my guests. Can I put "Jackets Please" in the lower corner of the invite?

This information should go in the invitation. Because guests will have a problem getting into the club without their jackets, you are doing them a favor by telling them about the rule. "Jackets Please" doesn't seem strong enough to let them know that it's mandatory. Consider wording it like this: "Jackets required by the country club." That way, your guests will know you didn't just decide that you wanted them to wear jackets.

We are having a Saturday-afternoon reception that includes a cocktail hour and a full dinner. How do I let guests know that it's not just an afternoon informal brunch? I would like it to be formal attire but not black tie.

One of the best ways to let guests in on the fact that the wedding is formal is with the invitations themselves. Get ultra-formal, traditional ones -- choose white, ivory, or ecru paper (maybe with a gold or silver border), printed in black script -- and that should clue them in. You're right to not go black tie in the afternoon; technically, tuxedos should be worn only for evening weddings (these days that means a reception starting after 6 p.m.). Give guests the benefit of the doubt, too: If they receive a formal invite from you and read where your wedding is being held, you can trust them to dress appropriately. You should concern yourselves primarily with what the two of you, your wedding party, and your parents are wearing because you're the ones who will really dictate the formality of the party.


Is a 5 p.m. wedding in April too early to ask guests to wear black tie?

The old rule: No black tie before 6 p.m. The updated etiquette: If the reception begins after 6, black tie is okay. If your ceremony begins at 5, it's safe to say you're having an evening reception, so it's totally fine. In fact, this rule can be bent for a 4 p.m. start time, if you really want a formal look but can't swing a later start.

I just received an invitation to a relative's wedding. The bottom of the invitation says "Black Tie Invited" -- what exactly does that mean?

It means the same thing as "Black Tie Optional." Basically, this is going to be a formal wedding -- the men in the wedding party are going to be decked out in tuxes, and men in the couple's immediate families may be, too. The "invited" or "optional" means that male guests are invited to wear tuxes and women may wear evening gowns or cocktail dresses -- what you would wear at a black-tie affair -- but you don't have to. It's fine for men to wear nice dark suits and for women to wear dresses that aren't necessarily Oscar-night material. If the invite just says "Black Tie," then guests are expected to attend in full formal attire.

What is the appropriate formalwear for a 2:30 p.m. wedding in October? I have heard that morning coats are appropriate for noon and before, and strollers are appropriate for afternoon weddings. What is a stroller?

The etiquette you're describing is correct, to an extent. Morning coats -- despite their name -- are appropriate for ultraformal or formal daytime weddings (daytime is defined as anytime before early evening). This charcoal-colored, British-inspired formalwear (think Four Weddings and a Funeral) is the white-tie of daytime. Strollers are appropriate for semiformal daytime weddings (like the black-tie of daytime). Stroller jackets are cut like tuxedo jackets, their evening counterpart, but they are usually gray and often pinstriped, with matching pants. The real question is, how formal is your wedding going to be? Have your groom describe the festivities to the salesperson at the formalwear shop you'll rent from if you're not quite sure which look would be appropriate.