Wedding Etiquette Police

Guest Attire Etiquette

2008-08-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

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My husband and I were recently invited to a 3:00 pm wedding ceremony followed by a 6:00 pm black tie reception. Does this mean that he should wear a suit for the ceremony and then change into a tux for the reception? And does that mean that I have to change dresses?

Breathe yourself a sigh of relief, because one outfit will be plenty for each of you! Though the old school etiquette rules say that you have to wait till the evening to break out the black tie attire, these days, going formal during daylight hours is considered pretty much okay (only tails are now considered simply too much for a daytime ceremony). You should both don your best duds for the ceremony and the reception, no changing required.

A friend of mine is getting married soon, and her wedding color -- from the invites to the cake -- is pink. She let her bridesmaids choose their own dresses (all pink), which is where my problem comes in -- I want to wear my best dress to the wedding, but it's pink too. I don't want to be mistaken for a bridesmaid, so should I consider the wedding color off-limits?

There are no hard-and-fast rules for guest attire, at least beyond what the formality of the occasion itself dictates. If you feel up to it, you could ask the bride (or one of her attendants) what she thinks -- she actually might love the idea of having some of her guests coordinate with her theme. Don't forget, the bridesmaids will have already been standing front-and-center for the entire ceremony -- between that and the bouquets, other guests will probably know who's who by that point.

Even if you don't want to broach the topic, you still have a couple of options. If it's making you that nervous or uncomfortable, you may want to simply choose something else to wear to the occasion. But if you don't want to buy something new (or if you just really love what you've got), why not add a couple of pieces to your attire that'll ensure nobody's confused -- a great accessory like snazzy shoes or a colorful wrap will make certain you'll stand out.

Our reception will be a formal party at an urban photography gallery instead of a traditional reception. My dress is going to be a light gold, with maids and groomsmen in black with light gold accents. Is it okay to ask the guests to dress in black and white only, for a "black and white" party?

It's more than okay -- it's a chic and unique idea that your guests will get excited about. A sea of black and white (highlighted with your touches of gold) will look graphic and gorgeous both in person and in the resulting photographs. You're not asking much of your guests, since the men will be wearing tuxedos anyway and black and white are two colors most women already have plenty of in their wardrobes. Just think it over and be sure it won't bother you to have some women in white dresses at your wedding, although when your shimmery gold dress will be the only color in the room there's certainly no risk of them stealing your spotlight.

We are planning a medieval-style wedding, and would like our guests to dress in period costumes. Is it acceptable to ask this of them?

It is definitely ok to ask, but you can't exactly "require" it -- especially if you want people who may not be able to afford or otherwise get their hands on an appropriate costume to show up! Think of it as a "Black Tie Optional" event, where ideally you would like your guests to come dressed in ultra-formal attire, but you won't make them unwelcome if they don't. Perhaps you can provide some inexpensive costume props at your reception for those who show up without medieval garb.

We are having a late January wedding in Arizona. The reception is outside in the middle of the desert, and there will be a hayride. What do I put on the invitations to let people know to dress warmly (it will be rather chilly) and casually?

It's not really the kind of info to put in a wedding invitation, so instead, include it in one of your less formal wedding mailings. This kind of info is perfect for a save-the-date card; if its too late for those, try and send out a mailing a week or so before the wedding, giving guests last-minute details about the site, transportation, and the fact that it might get cool in the evening. It can just be a "We're so glad you're coming!" kind of letter, letting guests know what to expect and what they'll be most comfortable wearing.

The country club where we are having the reception has a rule about men wearing jackets after 5 p.m. I'm not sure how to pass this info on to my guests. Can I put "Jackets Please" in the lower corner of the invite?

This information should go in the invitation. Because guests will have a problem getting into the club without their jackets, you are doing them a favor by telling them about the rule. "Jackets Please" doesn't seem strong enough to let them know that it's mandatory. Consider wording it like this: "Jackets required by the country club." That way, your guests will know you didn't just decide that you wanted them to wear jackets.

We are having a Saturday-afternoon reception that includes a cocktail hour and a full dinner. How do I let guests know that it's not just an afternoon informal brunch? I would like it to be formal attire but not black tie.

One of the best ways to let guests in on the fact that the wedding is formal is with the invitations themselves. Get ultra-formal, traditional ones -- choose white, ivory, or ecru paper (maybe with a gold or silver border), printed in black script -- and that should clue them in. You're right to not go black tie in the afternoon; technically, tuxedos should be worn only for evening weddings (these days that means a reception starting after 6 p.m.). Give guests the benefit of the doubt, too: If they receive a formal invite from you and read where your wedding is being held, you can trust them to dress appropriately. You should concern yourselves primarily with what the two of you, your wedding party, and your parents are wearing because you're the ones who will really dictate the formality of the party.

Is a 5 p.m. wedding in April too early to ask guests to wear black tie?

The old rule: No black tie before 6 p.m. The updated etiquette: If the reception begins after 6, black tie is okay. If your ceremony begins at 5, it's safe to say you're having an evening reception, so it's totally fine. In fact, this rule can be bent for a 4 p.m. start time, if you really want a formal look but can't swing a later start.

I just received an invitation to a relative's wedding. The bottom of the invitation says "Black Tie Invited" -- what exactly does that mean?

It means the same thing as "Black Tie Optional." Basically, this is going to be a formal wedding -- the men in the wedding party are going to be decked out in tuxes, and men in the couple's immediate families may be, too. The "invited" or "optional" means that male guests are invited to wear tuxes and women may wear evening gowns or cocktail dresses -- what you would wear at a black-tie affair -- but you don't have to. It's fine for men to wear nice dark suits and for women to wear dresses that aren't necessarily Oscar-night material. If the invite just says "Black Tie," then guests are expected to attend in full formal attire.

What is the appropriate formalwear for a 2:30 p.m. wedding in October? I have heard that morning coats are appropriate for noon and before, and strollers are appropriate for afternoon weddings. What is a stroller?

The etiquette you're describing is correct, to an extent. Morning coats -- despite their name -- are appropriate for ultraformal or formal daytime weddings (daytime is defined as anytime before early evening). This charcoal-colored, British-inspired formalwear (think Four Weddings and a Funeral) is the white-tie of daytime. Strollers are appropriate for semiformal daytime weddings (like the black-tie of daytime). Stroller jackets are cut like tuxedo jackets, their evening counterpart, but they are usually gray and often pinstriped, with matching pants. The real question is, how formal is your wedding going to be? Have your groom describe the festivities to the salesperson at the formalwear shop you'll rent from if you're not quite sure which look would be appropriate.

Wedding Guests Etiquette

2008-08-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

Nearly all of our guests are coming to our wedding from out of town, and we expect it to be a raucous reunion all around (though more for some, like our college buddies, than for others). Is there any way that we can finesse the accommodations to group everyone together at different hotels?

Simple! When you are reserving blocks of hotel rooms, get blocks at more than one hotel. Then, rather than including accommodation information on your save-the-dates, create more than one info sheet as an enclosure to send with them. That way, for example, you can offer your family one or two hotel options and your friends another. Just make sure that you stuff your envelopes carefully, or you could wind up with some of your fiance's frat buddies bunking next door to your great aunt Edna!

I need suggestions for making my wedding comfortable and special for out-of-town guests.

The best thing you can do for your out-of-town guests is make it easy for them to make travel plans, then make it easy for them to get around once they're in town. This means letting them know your wedding date as soon as possible so they can make flight arrangements, making sure they know which hotels are convenient to your wedding sites (reserve a block of rooms at a group rate), and making rental-car info available before they arrive. Why not put a welcome basket in each guest room -- include fruit, crackers, bottled water, bubble bath, and any goodies you please. Put directions to your ceremony and reception sites in each basket, along with a list of important telephone numbers like yours and your parents'. Some couples even include a list of other guests staying in the hotel, and their room numbers.

If you're inviting many out-of-towners who will arrive the day before your wedding and you're having your rehearsal dinner that day, you and the hosts (often the parents of the groom) might consider inviting them to the dinner; however, this is not mandatory. Do make sure that if guests will be in town for a while and will have free time that you supply them with tourist info (or at least a list of great attractions and restaurants you think they'd like). You may even choose to plan a barbecue, pool party, softball game, or post-wedding brunch; ask your parents and other local relatives and friends whether they'd be interested in helping with or hosting one of these events.

I'm concerned about socializing with guests at the reception. My fiance and I want to enjoy ourselves (meaning dance and have fun). We know that we need to mingle with our guests, but we don't want to be tied up all night -- it's our party too. How long do we need to spend with each guest? Any suggestions?

First, try not to feel as though having to greet and spend time with guests is a burden! These are your friends and loved ones who are there to celebrate with you, and a big part of being the bride and groom means being a good host and hostess (even if your parents are paying!). A good way to double check that you've covered everyone is to take a trip around the reception room during the meal -- either as a couple or separately -- and stop at every table to chat with each guest and generally make an appearance. Be extra mindful of elderly guests (who you likely won't meet out on the dance floor) and those you don't see very often, especially anyone who has come a long way to be at your wedding; they'll be disappointed if they don't have some time with you. A final thought: Remember that your guests are a part of your having fun, not mutually exclusive from it -- and hopefully, many will be out on the dance floor celebrating with you!

My fiance and I are having a small, intimate wedding, and I'm afraid some friends will be offended that they're not invited. What should we do?

Be honest with your friends. Simply explain that your wedding is going to be very small and with two families to accommodate, it's simply impossible to invite everyone you want to (it’s okay to fudge a little). This might be a difficult conversation, but if they really are your friends, they should understand.

When making up your guest list, keep in mind that if you have to give a great amount of thought to whether to invite a specific person, you probably should keep them off the list. And never invite anyone out of guilt. As a wise wedding planner once said, "Your wedding guests should be the people you both adore." Think of yourselves as the party planners of a grand event, and like all good party planners, you have to be the ones to draw the line. After all, it's your party -- and you should invite whom you want!

We are trying to keep our guest list at around 175 people for cost reasons (it's the most we can afford to feed), but we certainly could have more guests -- as long as they didn't eat. Is it okay to invite people just for the dancing portion of the reception, but not the wedding ceremony or the dinner?

Some ideas make sense on paper, but in practice...let's put it this way, would you want to be one of the people who showed up after dinner? While it is permissible to only invite some guests to the reception (keeping the ceremony intimate), inviting only some guests to the second half of the reception is a major faux pas. Just invite those wedding guests you can afford to include in your entire celebration.

If you really would like to have more people, look into ways you can make it work within your budget. For example, you might not be able to afford a seated multicourse dinner for 225, but you may be able to make a light buffet, passed hors d'oeuvres, or a luncheon work. Talk to your reception site manager or caterer about options to see if anything can work with your expanded list and set budget. A little creativity can go a long way in having the wedding you want.

My reception site can only hold 100, but I can invite as many as 200 to the wedding. How do I word the invitations?

Stick with the 100 figure for both events. How would you feel if you were invited to a ceremony but not the reception? Guests might assume they were only invited because they would send a gift, or that they were on the B-list and aren't important enough to celebrate with the couple and their families at the reception. If you're set on inviting 200, you might want to investigate larger reception sites. But if you're definite on the reception site, bite the bullet and cut your guest list.

I recently received an invitation to a wedding reception but not the ceremony. Apparently the church is very small. Is this acceptable?

More and more couples are opting to have intimate family ceremonies and larger receptions to include all their relatives and friends. You may feel like you're missing out on the poignant part, but at least you'll be there to party with the bride and groom. It is acceptable to extend an invite only to the reception. But it is never acceptable to extend an invitation only to the ceremony if you're also having a reception.

We’re trying to cut our guest list. Would it be rude to send out separate cards inviting some guests to an “After-dinner Celebration?”

In a word, yes. While your heart is in the right spot by wanting to include these people who are important to you, your actions may be interpreted another way—that they’re not worthy of attending dinner or being present for the other major events of the day. If you really want them to be there, you must include them in everything, otherwise, you shouldn’t invite them at all. If you can’t imagine getting married without these particular people, try rearranging your budget to cover additional heads: Swap out some of the exotic, tropical blooms in your centerpieces for domestic ones, or cut corners by serving a limited bar. You’ll find ways to save money and celebrate with your near and dear.

Half our guests are from out of town (way out -- 2,000 miles), and we are wondering if we are expected to pay for any of their travel or accommodation expenses? I think we'll be expected to pay for the rooms, but my fiance says we only need to make the reservations. Help! Who's correct?

Your guy has it right. You're not obligated to pay your wedding guests' travel or hotel expenses. It is nice, however, to make it easier on guests by letting them know when your wedding will be as early as possible so they can start calling around for good airfares. You should also research hotels to see where you can get a good group rate; often, when a wedding party brings in a lot of guests, the hotel will give a discount to the group. You shouldn’t actually make the reservations, rather reserve a block of rooms, and then send your guests the hotel information they'll need along with the invitations. They should be given a reservation number, the nightly rate, as well as what to say when they call (it might be something like, "We're with the Smith/Jones wedding").

If there are guests that you must have at your wedding who just can't afford to be there, by all means help them out so they'll be there on your big day. But in no way should anyone expect you to do so.

What is the proper way to inform guests that a wedding has been canceled? The invitations have already gone out, but the wedding is not for a month.

When a wedding is canceled, you can let guests know with printed cards, personal notes, or even by phone if you don't have much time. Since you do have time, tell everyone by mail. Phoning (the bride's mom or another close friend or relative might make the calls) may put the caller in the awkward position of feeling as if he or she has to explain the whole thing over and over.

If you want to, you can have cards printed; if you'd rather send handwritten notes, that's fine, too. An official card is generally worded like the invite:

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith

announce that the marriage of

their daughter

Jane Doe

to

John Smith

will not take place

Obviously, a personal note should give generally the same information, but should be worded less formally. Reasons for the cancellation, other than a death or illness, need not be mentioned.

If invited guests do not respond to a formal wedding invitation, even though a response card was supplied, should we call them to find out if they will come? Or can we assume that they're not coming?

As far as final head count goes, you should never assume. Call to see if they're coming. You never know -- maybe they think they sent the response card but it may be hiding under a pile of mail. If calling is a problem, assume that they are coming, and make sure there’s food and seats for them. It's better to have extra grub and room than to have neglected guests wondering where to sit!

General Wedding Etiquette (2)

2008-08-19T16:27:00.000-07:00

I really want to do something great for our wedding favors, but I'm worried about the cost. Where can I find the best deals?

Favors are fabulous, but they can get expensive fast. Think about it: If you have 100 guests and give each guest a $2 favor, you've spent $200! If you put $5 toward each favor, that's $500. Yikes. Unless you have an intimate guest list, you might need to rein in your favor fantasies. That said, you can still be creative on a budget. Rather than focusing on a favor that's mega-costly, think more about how you can prettily present a less expensive goodie. For example, bulk candy (either your favorite sweets or ones that match your wedding colors) is relatively inexpensive, but you can make it look like a million bucks. Cute, colorful bags or boxes, ribbons in your wedding colors, and of course, colorful labels with your names and wedding date on them can all be had relatively inexpensively in large amounts (check out local craft and paper supply stores). Spending a night packaging it all up with your bridesmaids? Priceless. Or of course we sell wedding favors for cheap, view them here

I keep hearing that when you block a bunch of rooms with a hotel you should receive a discounted rate. So far, with the few hotels we've checked, this hasn't been the case. What's the story?

It really varies from hotel to hotel. Some hotels offer a percentage off when a certain number of rooms are reserved. Some hotels charge regular rates, but give the bride and groom a free room. Some just allow you to reserve in advance and don't offer any discount at all. Do your homework and choose the hotel that offers the best deal overall. Your guests will certainly appreciate the fact that you made it easier for them to make travel plans.

We're not very far into planning (we've only booked the basics), and I'm afraid we're already way over budget. We don't have a lot of leeway when it comes to money -- how can we cut costs?

When it comes to your ceremony site fee, reception site rental, gown, and even most of your vendors, you're dealing with a fixed cost -- after all, a deal's a deal once you've signed on the dotted line. Unless you're prepared to have truly minimalist decorations, the only way you can really cut costs is to cut your guest list. How does that make such a big difference? Think of it this way: If you've got tables with ten guests each, even if the linens, table, chairs, and ten place settings are included in your reception site cost, you've still got (for example) one $150 centerpiece and ten $50 meal to serve (plus approximately $15 worth of drinks per person). With those numbers, just ten guests will cost you $800! Hence, cut just one table full of guests from your list, save $800. It's a bigger dent than you'll make going wild with the DIY decor -- plus it'll save you a lot of prewedding stress.

I am getting married in October and the reception will be held in my parents' backyard. Where can I find out what the weather has been in the past on this date, including precipitation, temperature, and sunset? I've tried the Internet and have had no luck.

Well, there's always the trusty Farmer's Almanac -- it lists all of that information (and there is a web site at www.almanac.com). If you don't want to go on just one source, why not try contacting a meteorologist at one of your local network affiliates? If anyone should keep records on this stuff or can forecast what it might be like next October, they can. At the very least, they'll at least tell you where you can find out. Good luck!

I would really like to give favors to my guests at the reception. However, we are having a buffet-style dinner with no assigned seating. How do I make sure that everyone gets a favor?

Why not set up a table with your favors near the exit at the reception with a note saying something like, "Thank you so much for being here with us. Please take one"? This way, guests won’t miss them, and can simply pick up a favor on their way out. There will also be no worry of them misplacing their favors during the reception or forgetting them on the tables before they leave. And because the favors will simply be waiting in the wings, you won't have to worry about misplacing them or figuring out going to give them away.

I am having a Victorian-style wedding. Do you have any ideas on wedding favors?

Think about chocolate truffles or petit fours, ornate silver frames, scented candles, miniature teacups, romantic fans, tiny golden angel pins, or brocade-covered boxes. Since roses were the quintessential Victorian wedding flower, rose petal potpourri is another great option.

I am giving silver picture frames as favors, and I would like to include a personalized thank-you card inside each to save on postage. Is this okay, or should I wait and send them after the honeymoon?

The problem is that some of the guests at the wedding may not have given a gift by the wedding date (they have a year after your wedding day to send one), and it might make them feel awkward or uncomfortable if you give guests thank-you notes when they haven't given you a gift. It's a nice thought, but you should really send thank-you notes to all your guests through the mail. It's the most courteous way, and it will also help you avoid confusion later.

My fiance's Irish heritage is a very big part of his and his family's lives. (His parents are first-generation Americans from Ireland). We are incorporating a variety of Irish traditions into our ceremony and reception. I would also like to choose favors that represent Irish tradition in some way, but I'm Italian and am having a hard time coming up with good ideas!

There are many great options for Irish-themed favors; it really just depends on how much money and/or effort you would like to expend. Chocolates in the shape of a shamrock or the Claddagh symbol (you should be able to find a candy manufacturer who will custom design them for you), placed in a tiny box or basket tied with ribbon could be cute. You could also place a card with a favorite Irish saying or proverb in the box with the candy for a nice touch. Small pouches of wildflower seeds are another great idea, especially since much of the Irish landscape is covered with wildflowers. Clover planted in tiny terra-cotta pots tied with personalized ribbon would make a great memento for your guests as well, while giving the added bonus of making your tables look lush and green. You may also look in craft stores for imitation gold horseshoe or clover charms, which can be strung on ribbon and tied around a handwritten message from you and your groom: perhaps, "We're lucky that you were able to share this special day with us."

I've heard that during the less popular times of the year, reception sites often have cheaper rates for weddings. What are the "off" months?

In most parts of the country, the "deep" winter months -- January, February, and March -- are the least popular for weddings (June, August, September, and October are the most popular, but December has been gaining fast because of the holidays). Because there's less demand, you'll likely get discounted prices on your reception site -- not to mention most of your other wedding services, like catering, photography, and flowers (except around Valentine's Day and Easter, of course, when roses and lilies are at a premium because they're in high demand).

General Wedding Etiquette

2008-08-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

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We're not sure if we can afford the services of a wedding consultant, but we desperately need help -- we both work full time and our jobs require frequent travel on the weekends. What are our options?

The good news: Skilled wedding consultants are trained to work within a variety of budgets. While it's true that many are hired on a soup-to-nuts, start-to-finish basis (which can get expensive), wedding consultants can facilitate wedding planning in other capacities too. For example, you can schedule a consultation where the consultant provides a blueprint -- usually a preparation guide and a list of trustworthy, talented vendors to check out. You can also hire a wedding consultant to oversee things on the evening before and actual day of the wedding. Or you can contract a wedding consultant to work with you on a freelance basis (to scout out a location, and advise on catering firms and florists, for example), in which case they're paid by the hour. These selective services should run quite a bit less than full-service help. Note that the billing process depends on your coordinator: Some consultants charge by the hour, others charge a flat fee depending on what you need them for. So make a list of things you know you want the consultant to handle, then call a few to see what they charge.

For wedding favors, I chose silver picture frames that will also hold guest place cards. The problem is that a friend of mine whose wedding is three months before ours is doing the same thing! She has been somewhat competitive about our weddings, and we have invited several of the same guests. Should I keep the frames or select new favors?

Well, this is really up to you. Silver picture frames are very traditional favors, so it's not the worst thing in the world for you both to give them. But if you think it won't be worth the flak you might get from your friend (who should be obsessing about more important things!), then go ahead and give something else. If you've already purchased the frames, though, go ahead and use them. Guests who attend both weddings won't be miffed -- everyone likes picture frames!

I really don't want my guests throwing rice or birdseed when we leave the church. Are there any other festive ways our friends and family can bid us adieu?

Definitely! Bubbles are a fun, inexpensive way to jazz up the recessional. Your guests can then take them to the reception for a bubbly send-off at the evening's end. Throw on a personalized ribbon with your name and wedding date and it doubles as a favor! Check out Absolute Wedding Store for everything bubbly.

We've spent lots of time getting all of the directions, accommodation info, and other information onto our wedding web site -- now what is the proper etiquette for letting our guests know about it? Also, can we have them RSVP online instead of by mail?

You've got a couple options for directing people to your wedding webpage. Save-the-date cards, if you're sending them, are a perfect way to share the info -- just include a line like "for more details, check out www..." As for the invites, rather than including a reply card and envelope, you can include a card that says something like, "We can't wait to see you! Please RSVP at www...." (if your wedding is casual) or "The favor of a reply is requested at www...." (if your wedding will be more formal). But unless everyone, including your old granny, is especially net-savvy, consider sending a traditional reply card or calling certain guests to make sure you have all the RSVPs.

I'm having an evening wedding in July at a mountain lodge. The ceremony and reception will be outside under a tent, and I'm worried about mosquitoes. What can I do to ensure my guests won't be eaten alive?

First, find out from the facility managers if it is possible to get the area sprayed for insects (this may be something they do regularly anyway), which can significantly cut down on unwelcome "guests". You can also buy pretty luminarias (citronella candles placed in paper bags and used to line a path or a tent) or hanging lamps that are specially formulated to keep pests away. Ask your site manager about these options as well -- it's likely other people who've gotten married there have had similar problems, and they can let you know how others dealt with them. Another idea: Give your guests little tubes of repellent in addition to their favors, and be sure to keep the bathrooms stocked with bottles of bug spray as well.

What are the benefits of working with a wedding consultant?

A consultant will save you stress during the planning process and especially on the actual day of your wedding. They’ll also serve as your creative partner -- not just overseeing logistical matters -- but also providing a wealth of ideas, insights, opinions, and more. Don't have time to research vendors? Consultants do all the planning and legwork. That way, you just show up to appointments, approve designs, sample menus, and so on. Also, consultants know the best vendors to hire, and they can score you great rates and negotiate watertight contracts -- after all, wedding consultants work with vendors all the time!

We live in Massachusetts and we're getting married in New Hampshire, but with our busy prewedding scheduled, it won't be that easy for us to stop into a New Hampshire state office to get a license. Is there any chance they'll issue me a marriage license by mail?

Unfortunately, a marriage license is something you need to get in person. This is because you also have to schlep along a stack of documents, including your birth certificate and blood-test results if the state you're marrying in requires them (New Hampshire doesn't). Also, keep in mind that timing is crucial. Marriage licenses are valid for only a certain amount of time, so you need to find out how soon before your wedding you should apply for one. You'll probably have to apply for your license in the town in which you plan to get married, so your best bet is calling city offices there to find their marriage license bureau. Ask about the office hours (they may be quite specific) and whether you need to make an appointment, as well as when you should apply based on your wedding date. What it comes down to is that you two will need to make a day of it. If it's a long way away, consider overnighting at a bed and breakfast or a small, romantic hotel so it seems more like a treat than a task.

My parents are hosting my wedding at their home this summer and they are very concerned about someone getting hurt on our property. Can they cover themselves in case of an accident involving any of our guests?

Absolutely. While having a party at mom and dad's can be a dream come true, it can also become a nightmare if you forget about the insurance. Your parents have to protect themselves the same way a restaurant or reception site does. They should first check their homeowner or renter's policy to see if it offers proper coverage. (They should also call their agent to be absolutely sure.) If not, your parents should get a wedding insurance policy, along with an additional policy with personal liability coverage. Not only will this insurance cover them if someone twists an ankle while on the dance floor, but it can cover the costs of a no-show photographer, severe weather that prevents the wedding from taking place, and any unexpected illnesses or injuries that affect the major players of the event. Always better to be safe than sorry!

My fiance and I are totally aware of the bad effects of tossing rice. Is there another way we can incorporate the rice without tossing it when we leave the church? We love the fact that it symbolizes prosperity and fertility.

Live long and prosper! Take small amounts of loose rice, wrap in tulle circles, and tie up each circle with a strip of personalized ribbon. Voila! You've got yourself fab party favors to give out to your guests.

Wedding Money Matter Etiquette

2008-08-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

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Nearly all of our guests are flying in from out of town, and several are coming in a day early. We've reserved blocks of hotel rooms, but do we also have to arrange transportation in some way? I don't know how we'll do it, with everyone coming at different times, but my fiance thinks we have to.
Though you might arrange transportation for some extra-special guests (e.g., asking your brother to pick up your 90-year-old grandma), you do not need to feel compelled to arrange transportation for every last guest. It would be impractical for you at the best of times, and one or two days before your wedding, let's face it -- you're going to have way more crucial stuff to juggle. That said, you could still be a gracious host. In your save-the-dates, wedding newsletter, or on your wedding website, do include information on airport transportation to and from every hotel. This can include public transportation options, where to catch a cab, and, most importantly, about how much each will cost (that way no one will have to worry whether they have enough cash on them). Also, check with the hotels you've reserved rooms at to see whether they provide any sort of airport shuttle service; if they do, definitely clue in your guests, then cross another task off your list!

My fiance and I's parents have agreed to split the costs of the whole wedding and reception (yay!). Now how do we figure out who pays for what? Are there rules we should follow?

In days of yore (okay, as recently as the 1980s), the rules about who pays for what were much more strict. The bride's family footed the bill for the invitations, announcements, wedding consultant, gown and accoutrements, reception (including site, food, flowers, photographs, videographer, and music), and transportation for the wedding party. The groom's family paid for the marriage license, officiant, bride's bouquet, boutonnieres, rehearsal dinner, and honeymoon. Today, the division of financial duties is far more fluid. Maybe one side feels strongly about the flowers, while the other side feels strongly about the band -- so go ahead and split it up that way. See what's on your agenda, then find ways to make it even. Feel free to come up with a game plan that works for you!

What does an average wedding cost today? I've heard it's around $20,000. Is this off base?

Though it depends on where you live, that figure's really not that far off -- it's actually a little low. In a recent survey conducted by The Knot, it was revealed that the average wedding is now about $27,800. However, bear in mind that weddings cost more in large urban areas. This figure also includes those lucky brides and grooms who get $40,000-and-up weddings thrown for them, so that does slightly bring up the average.

I'm working out a budget for my wedding, and my parents are deceased. Would it be correct etiquette to ask my siblings, who are all 10 or more years older than I am, to help pay for the expenses that are usually paid for by the bride's parents?
Asking your siblings to help pay for your wedding really depends on your relationship with them. It's not appropriate to expect them to stand in financially for your parents. But if they've been like parents to you, some may be willing -- or may even offer -- to help you out. Broach the subject by talking in person to the sibling or siblings you're closest to, in order to find out if they are willing or able to help. While you certainly shouldn't expect their financial assistance, you can expect their good wishes and emotional support.

My parents have offered to pay for our wedding reception with a guest list of 150 people. It was a dream come true until my fiance announced that the list wasn't big enough for him! He insists on including every last one of his friends (even ones he hasn't talked to in years), bringing the total up to 200. The size of the site isn't a problem -- it's my reluctance to ask my parents to cough up the cash for another 50 guests. What should we do?

It's time to put your foot down -- this bad boy behavior has got to stop, or it could quickly lead to issues between the two of you and with your families. It's not going to be pretty, but it's got to be done. Make some time to sit down with him and go over the wedding details and budget. Simply seeing the sum of what those additional guests will cost may be enough to convince him (and if he insists it's not a problem, you need to politely explain to him that it is). If your parents are already footing the bill and the guest list has already been evenly divvied up between all parties concerned, then it's basically a done deal and he needs to learn to live with it. You should also try to get to the root of why he feels the need for so many guests. Is he worried his friends will think he’s ditching them for the married life? Does he feel he needs to show his loyalty to his entire fraternity, even the guys he wasn't that friendly with? Demonstrate to him that you'll support him -- even let him have his weekly or monthly guy’s night out -- and you should be able to get your numbers down.

I am the mother of the bride, with a very small budget. My problem is that her fiance's mother suggested that my daughter and her son elope and take the cash from us as a down payment on a new home! This really annoys me. I only have one daughter, and I was looking forward to having a celebration. My future son-in-law seems to like his mother's idea. What do you suggest?
Hey, if she wants to give the couple money for a down payment, that's her prerogative. But you have a right to give your daughter money for a specific purpose -- in this case, her wedding. It is extremely inappropriate for the groom's mother to suggest what should be done with your money. And you shouldn't feel like you have no say in the matter, because you certainly do. Sit down and talk with your daughter about how you're feeling. She needs to know that the suggestion upsets you, and, more importantly, that you're really looking forward to planning a wedding celebration with her.

I am 29 and my fiance is 42. I have a fairly steady job and my fiance is doing extremely well. Several years ago, my dad said that someday he would pay for my wedding. Well, I recently asked if he would like to contribute, and he said he would need to talk it over with my stepmom. It was a hard question to ask, because he hasn't paid for anything for me since I moved out almost 10 years ago. It was very uncomfortable for both of us. Two weeks later he offered me $10,000. My aunt has since expressed surprise that I asked -- she felt that since I am almost 30 and have been working for so many years, it wasn't the right thing to do. But my fiance really encouraged me to ask, as I am my father's only daughter. Now I feel guilty about the whole thing. Should I just let it go, accept that he has offered to pay, and try to find the best possible deal to keep costs at a minimum? Should I maybe try to pay for some of it myself?

Budgeting for your wedding is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Money is never fun, especially when paired with guilt. It sounds like you should have a heart-to-heart with your dad, telling him how much you appreciate his offer to contribute but that you are also having conflicting feelings about it. Maybe he felt guilty when you asked, too, and came through on his promise from several years ago because he felt obligated. Or maybe he's glad to do it but was initially hesitant because he knew he had to discuss it with his wife. I'd say the most important factor is how you feel about taking his money. If it's going to make you miserable throughout your wedding planning, then it's probably not worth it. Your aunt's comment seems totally off the mark--just because you are of a certain age and have a steady job doesn't mean you must foot the bill yourself. And this is really none of her business anyway--ultimately it's between you and your father.

If you and your fiance can comfortably contribute to your wedding costs, you should do so. However, it strikes me as a little odd that your fiance was so enthusiastic about your dad contributing when, as you said, he's "doing extremely well." (You also said, "Maybe I should pay for it myself" -- shouldn't both of you be contributing?) My take on it is that every couple should contribute to their own wedding as best they can; they shouldn't expect money from their parents, nor should they automatically be expected to pay for it themselves. The most important thing right now is to clear the air with your dad, so you can have fun with the wedding planning instead of feeling depressed.

We are several months into planning our wedding, but my future in-laws have not yet offered to contribute, financially or otherwise. I asked my fiance to speak with them, but he seems very reluctant to do so. Should I assume they do not wish to contribute, or should I speak with them myself? I really don't want to offend them, but we do need to know!
Of course you don't want to offend them, and you've hit on the most important factor here -- how you interact with your new in-laws while planning your wedding can set the stage for how you'll get along once you're married, so it makes sense to be careful and sensitive. Still, you shouldn't assume that they don't want to contribute at all -- leaving them out by default risks offending them, too.

The first thing to do is talk to your fiance. Your instinct was right -- it's always best for the person whose parents you're dealing with to talk to them first, alone. Why? Because that's the most comfortable way to discuss a touchy subject. If you're there -- or if the subject is raised solely by you -- his parents may not feel free to say what they really think.

Find out why your fiance seems reluctant to speak to them -- maybe he's nervous because he knows they're not able to contribute financially. In that case, maybe they can help with wedding planning in other ways, such as making phone calls to get prices, helping you shop, or reserving a block of hotel rooms for out-of-towners. Your fiance might also be afraid of his parents' reactions if he asks them for money. Maybe they aren't aware of their role or feel strange asking about it.

If so, you two need to brainstorm a good way to broach the subject. One way would be to let them know about the "traditional" contributions (financial and otherwise) of the groom's family. Either way, the two of you should be able to whip up a plan to draw them out and get a definitive answer. And who knows, even though you find your current situation not so hot, you might be pleasantly surprised in the end.

My fiance and I decided a long time ago that we wanted to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon. My fiance's father has offered many times to help with expenses (his parents are much more well-off than mine). Well, my parents have announced they will pay for the entire wedding, which is wonderfully generous. We decided to ask his parents to pay for the honeymoon, since traditionally that is the groom's parents' domain. When we showed them Hawaii brochures, they said they weren't going to send us there. We were floored; this was basically a sure thing. Now what do we do?

Hmm. Did they give you a reason why Hawaii is out? Maybe they feel you two are trying to take advantage of them by choosing a super-expensive honeymoon? Maybe they sensed you thought it was a "sure thing" and were offended by that? I think the first step is to find out why they are so against a Hawaiian honeymoon. Perhaps your fiance should sit down with them and see what they have to say -- it might be easier to get issues into the open if it's just him and them. You're right that it seems appropriate for them to contribute something to the wedding -- especially since your fiance's dad said in the past that he was willing to -- but the truth is that no parent is obligated to pay for anything, and there's no way you can force them to send you to Hawaii. Perhaps once your fiance talks to them and finds out what the problem is, everything will work out. If not, maybe they would be willing to contribute a certain amount to your honeymoon fund, and you two can pay the difference. You'll probably get some money as wedding gifts -- earmark it as honeymoon money with which to "reimburse" yourselves when you return.

My fiance and I both have divorced parents, so we decided to split the wedding costs five ways (and they agreed). We felt we should contribute since it is our wedding. The problem is that his sister is getting married a few months before us, and we don't think she and her fiance are contributing to their own wedding. How can we approach this with my fiance's parents? It wouldn't be fair for us to struggle to save for our wedding when my future sister-in-law is getting a free ride. Help!
Sorry, but you two and your families have decided how to finance your wedding, and that's a completely separate issue from how your fiance's sister finances hers. This situation isn't about fairness. While your frustration is understandable, you can't can't just say to his parents, "Hey, we deserve as much money as she gets!" Not only are you likely to come off as whiny and immature, you'll also seem a tad ungrateful -- after all, you said they are giving you some money. Instead, take pride in your contribution to your own wedding costs. Remember that you will have more say in the planning if you have a financial stake -- his sis may have to compromise more with her parents than you two will. While it might not be everything you wanted, it's nothing to sneeze at!

My parents are paying for everything in our wedding. We have no other family, and only a few friends of mine from work will be invited. My parents have agreed to host 100 guests at a seated-dinner reception with an open bar at a very nice hotel. However, both my fiance and his parents are having a fit because they want to invite more guests than that. I feel this is very unfair and I wonder how this can be resolved. My fiance will not accept limitations!

Clearly you're right, and your groom and his parents are being unreasonable (and a bit ungrateful). But how to handle it without causing a major blowout? This is your future husband and in-laws, after all. You need to confront them calmly about this. Simply explain the facts: Your parents have volunteered to foot the bill for 100 guests, a majority of whom will not be people they know. You can't ask them for any more than they are already giving -- nor should you. If your fiance and his family want to invite more guests, tell them they're more than welcome to do so, as long as they are also willing to contribute the money to cover those guests for the reception. End of story. It's difficult to can't imagine what kind of rational argument they could make against that. The key is that if you're calm and rational, they will feel silly not being calm and rational about the situation. It's all in the way you present it.

Official confrontation aside, it sounds like you need to have a good talk with your man too. Find out why he doesn't understand that your parents are generous people but don't have bottomless pockets. This misunderstanding could be a sign of very different attitudes toward money matters -- which isn't the end of the world, but it's definitely an issue that will come up in your marriage. The sooner you can resolve this stuff between the two of you, the better off you'll be. Good luck!

With the exception of a few specific expenses, my parents are paying for my sister's wedding. There seems to be some confusion on etiquette -- what level of decision-making power does this extend to my parents vs. my sister and her fiance? My mom sometimes feels she's being treated like an ATM. On the other hand, the "I'm the hostess" position she's taking often seems a little selfish. Could you please explain the proper level of decision-making power of the host and hostess (i.e., Mom and Dad)?

Ah, if only a book quantified the hosts' proper decision-making power. When parents are paying, they should have some say -- the bride and groom should not take financial help for granted and think they can do exactly what they want without consulting mom and dad (the ATM sensibility you mentioned). In a perfect world, parents want their kids to have the wedding of their dreams, but in reality, the wedding day is also important to mom and dad, and since they're paying they have a stake in what the party will and should be like. Some parents want to be in control, while others are more than happy to write the check and let their kids deal with planning. There's no black or white here -- it's a very gray area, depending on the families involved. It sounds like you're the referee, so you might want to bring both sides together for a good heart-to-heart. Maybe your mom needs to tell your sister how she's making her feel, and sis should tell Mom what's really important to her about the wedding, so they can compromise instead of playing tug-of-war. Good luck!

My parents have been pressuring me to talk to my fiance about signing a prenuptial agreement. They're planning on passing a sizeable inheritance on to me, and want to be sure I'm protecting my assets. As much as I don't want to think about that kind of worst-case scenario right now, I know they're right. How do I bring it up with him?

The good news is that prenuptial agreements don't have the stigma that they once did and aren't just used by rich dudes protecting themselves against potential gold diggers. Couples today are getting married later in life and are much more likely to have accrued significant assets by the time they wed. The other side of the coin, of course, is that marriages nowadays are more likely to end in divorce, so to-be-weds are more interested in protecting themselves through pre-nups. You need to start by being frank: admit that while bringing up the idea that you could get a divorce or die defies the traditional image of the starry-eyed bride, you are bringing it up for a specific reason and (believe it or not) there are some definite perks to the process.

First, remind him that prenuptial agreements actually allow you as a couple to decide what will happen to your cash -- no matter who's earning it -- rather than leaving those decisions up to a judge. Then point out that drawing up a pre-nup forces couples to face their finances and start planning for the future -- something most newlyweds don't start to think about for years. You will both have to fully disclose your assets and sources of income (whether it's from your job or business or from a monetary gift like an inheritance). Once you've got that out in the open and on paper, you (and your lawyers) will decide together how it will be divvied up -- not only who will get the money, but, if you like, how it will be invested or otherwise spent. While it might not be the most cheerful part of your wedding planning, it will have you breathing a lot easier in the long run.

If a couple decides to wed in a distant location, who pays for lodging? The guests?

Yes. Whether the wedding is in the couple's hometown or far away, they are not expected to pay for guests' lodging. What they can do is get a group rate on a block of rooms at a convenient hotel. That way guests will get a discount rate, but they are still responsible for paying their own way.

Nearly all of our guests are flying in from out of town, and several are coming in a day early. We've reserved blocks of hotel rooms, but do we also have to arrange transportation in some way? I don't know how we'll do it, with everyone coming at different times, but my fiance thinks we have to.

Though you might arrange transportation for some extra-special guests (e.g., asking your brother to pick up your 90-year-old grandma), you do not need to feel compelled to arrange transportation for every last guest. It would be impractical for you at the best of times, and one or two days before your wedding, let's face it -- you're going to have way more crucial stuff to juggle. That said, you could still be a gracious host. In your save-the-dates, wedding newsletter, or on your wedding website, do include information on airport transportation to and from every hotel. This can include public transportation options, where to catch a cab, and, most importantly, about how much each will cost (that way no one will have to worry whether they have enough cash on them). Also, check with the hotels you've reserved rooms at to see whether they provide any sort of airport shuttle service; if they do, definitely clue in your guests, then cross another task off your list!

My friend's son is getting married and he just told her that the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the honeymoon! I have never heard of this. My friend is not well off, and she doesn't know what to do. What should she do?
Sounds like her son is trying to use etiquette to his advantage! Traditionally, the groom and his family are responsible for financing the honeymoon, but these days -- especially with people marrying later in life -- the task often falls to the groom himself (or to the couple). Your friend may be able to contribute a portion of the trip, but she is in no way obligated to do so. Though it won’t be easy to sort out the financing with her son, she can at least breathe a bit easier knowing that she’s not expected to foot the bill.

My fiance and I's parents have agreed to split the costs of the whole wedding and reception (yay!). Now how do we figure out who pays for what? Are there rules we should follow?

In days of yore (okay, as recently as the 1980s), the rules about who pays for what were much more strict. The bride's family footed the bill for the invitations, announcements, wedding consultant, gown and accoutrements, reception (including site, food, flowers, photographs, videographer, and music), and transportation for the wedding party. The groom's family paid for the marriage license, officiant, bride's bouquet, boutonnieres, rehearsal dinner, and honeymoon. Today, the division of financial duties is far more fluid. Maybe one side feels strongly about the flowers, while the other side feels strongly about the band -- so go ahead and split it up that way. See what's on your agenda, then find ways to make it even. Feel free to come up with a game plan that works for you!

Destination Wedding Etiquette

2008-08-19T12:25:00.001-07:00

2000+ Wedding Items available at www.AbsoluteWeddingStore.com

We are considering an overseas wedding. Is the cost always astronomical, or is it possible to keep it more reasonable than in the States? Either way we want a small wedding.

It just depends. Here's the deal: You could spend $10,000 on a wedding at home with a relatively small guest list, or you could spend $5,000 on an amazing trip to Greece, complete with a ceremony for two and a fantastic honeymoon cruise! On the other hand, you could have a tiny and inexpensive wedding at home, or choose a huge London ballroom and have the works. It all depends on how you choose to spend your money. So it's hard to generalize and say that overseas weddings are always more expensive than homegrown ones. Remember, too, that choosing to elope or to bring just a few close friends and family members with you is going to be less of a hassle than inviting 30 people from the States to stay in an Italian castle for your wedding. Then there's the question of whether you want to pay for your guests to attend or leave the cost up to them. At home or abroad, there are a million factors that affect how much a destination wedding will cost. If you're considering a wedding far away, pinpoint exactly what you'd like to do and where, then try to draw up a realistic budget. That's the best way to find out whether a destination wedding is right for you.

I am getting married in Hawaii. At first I planned to have four attendants on each side. I agreed to pay the girls' airfare if they paid for the hotel, but now I'm considering costs, and I'm not sure I'll be able to. Should I just tell them we've decided to only have our maid of honor and best man, or should I ask them to pay for their trips?

Instead of telling them you've decided to exclude them without offering a reason -- which is bound to hurt some feelings -- honesty is the best policy. Sure, the added cost of getting to Hawaii may mean some or all of them won't be able to make the trip, but it should be their decision. If you simply explain that you overestimated how much you were going to be able to contribute, that's something they can understand and appreciate. If they're doubtful of the cost but still really want to try to make it, help them look into discounted fares through a travel agent or an online broker. They may be able to get a good fare if they travel during off-hours, for example. It can be done, if you're willing to do the research.

I live in New Jersey and plan to have a private ceremony in the Dominican Republic. I don't know how to proceed in terms of getting the marriage license and planning with a resort. Any ideas?

Your best bet is to contact a resort in the Dominican Republic that does weddings, and then leave it to the experts, planning the entire thing through them. Many Caribbean resorts host weddings and can take care of everything, from getting paperwork done (making sure you get the license on time and are in the country long enough to make the wedding legal) to booking the officiant, the photographer, the cake, even the champagne. Do some research online, or call a travel agent to ask about Dominican Republic resorts. Then sit back, relax, and get married!

I have a guest list of 50 for my destination wedding in Hawaii. With such a small guest list, there are plenty of people on my B-list that I'd still love to have -- I just need to be sure that I keep the total from going over 50. If some of my initial A-list guests decline my invitation, can I then go ahead and extend an invitation to someone else?

This situation isn't too tough, believe it or not, but it's still important that you handle it without hurting anyone's feelings -- after all, no one wants to know they're on your B-list. The easiest way? Before you lick even one stamp, touch base with all the key players to see what their availability is on your wedding date. You can do this by talking to people in concentric circles of importance, if you will: immediate family members first, then the friends or family you plan on asking to be your attendants, then other family, then other friends, and so on. Barring unforeseen circumstances, you'll be able to get a good idea of your attendance figures right away, which will allow you to better map out your guest list. You can still send invitations to those you would want to be there but whom you know can't attend just so that they know how you feel. You can also extend invitations to your replacements right away, without them having to know that they weren't part of your initial 50. If you find later that your response cards are pouring in with regrets, go ahead and invite some new folks -- just don't wait too long, since they'll need time to make travel arrangements.

My fiance and I want to have a wedding ceremony in the Caribbean with just our parents as guests. We would like to have a big reception for our friends and family when we return home. How can we do this without hurting feelings?

Well, first you have to face the fact that you very well might hurt feelings regardless of your tact: Some friends and relatives will surprised that they were not included in the ceremony. But you should also remember that it's your wedding, and if you want an intimate ceremony on a beach, who can blame you? Explain to those who ask that this is your wedding dream, and that you're looking forward to a big, celebratory bash with all your nearest and dearest when you get home.

If your heart is set on an intimate ceremony, follow your plans and don't worry too much. Then when you get home, send out invitations to a party "celebrating your marriage" where you can show slides or photos of your ceremony. It will be as if they had all been there with you after all.

We're having a destination wedding in Las Vegas. All of our friends and family members are paying their own way to get there, but I was wondering whether we had to pay for their transportation around town (from the hotel to the chapel, and then from the chapel to the reception site). We've booked limos for the wedding party and our immediate families, but I don't think we can afford them for everyone else — what should we do?

You don't have to provide your guests with transportation once they're in town whether you're wedding at home or in a far-flung locale, but it is always a nice perk. If you have a small number of guests and they're all staying in the same spot, you could consider chartering a bus or vans to take them to and fro (everyone doesn't have to roll up in a limo). Those will get your guests where they need to go without bankrupting your budget. That said, since you are wedding in a major city, you could let guests fend for themselves -- after all, taxis will be available. If that's your plan, be sure you let everyone know well before the wedding that that's the deal. You don't have to be blunt (no "find your own ride" warnings necessary); instead, when you send other info about accommodations and so on, include the numbers of local cab companies or suggest spots where it will be easiest to catch a ride.

Engagement & Engagement Party Etiquette

2008-08-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

2000+ Wedding Items available at www.AbsoluteWeddingStore.com

Is it appropriate to register in time for our engagement party? I have been told that it's a social no-no to register this early.

It's perfectly acceptable to register as soon as you get engaged. This gives guests who'd like to purchase a gift for you for any prewedding parties -- including engagement parties, showers, or brunches -- some guidance when buying. The fact that you are registered does not mean that guests must buy a gift from your registry, it simply gives them options. One thing to note: Do not include registry information in your engagement party invitations or in any other formal manner -- this is considered bad etiquette. Word of mouth is really the only way to inform guests about your registries -- and even then, only when they ask. Remember, giving gifts, while certainly customary, is not mandatory for engagement parties.

What kind of gift is proper to take to an engagement party?

First, check to see whether the couple has registered yet (the best way to do this is usually to ask the bride's mother). If they have, simply choose your gift from what the bride and groom have picked out. If not, a safe bet is to give something for their home. Some examples are candlesticks, a vase, picture frames, a fresh bouquet of flowers every month for a year, etc. Save the household appliances for the shower. Also keep in mind that engagement party gifts are completely optional and you don't need to break the bank. If you don't want to feel awkward about arriving empty-handed, a nice bottle of wine or champagne makes a great last-minute gift (plus it can be enjoyed by all at the party!).

We are being pressured by the groom's mother to have an engagement party for our newly engaged daughter and their son. The wedding is a ways away, after college graduation and jobs are secured. I say throwing a party now is precipitous, and I would like to wait. Also, which side of the family is responsible for such a party, or can either side initiate it?

Technically, it's the bride's family's prerogative to throw the first engagement party, but that doesn't mean they have to. It may be a bit early, but on the other hand, since the wedding is so far off, it might be nice to celebrate the fact that the couple is engaged now. The party will mark the occasion and make it official. It doesn't have to be a huge, formal party -- cocktails and hors d'oeuvres in your home would be wonderful. But if you're still uncomfortable about the timing, it's completely appropriate to suggest that the groom's family throw a party now if they wish, and perhaps your family will host one later.

Who gets invited to the engagement party?

Everyone who is invited to the engagement party should ultimately be invited to the wedding. (If you don't invite engagement party guests to the wedding, they may wonder what they did at the first party to insult you!) There are, however, two exceptions to this rule: if your engagement party guest list will be significantly larger than your wedding day guest list, or if your party is being hosted by an outside party -- someone who has no idea who will be included on your wedding guest list.

If you're planning an intimate wedding for just family, but would like to celebrate your engagement with all your friends, by all means, have a big engagement party. Word will get out that your wedding is going to be family-only, and no one should feel hurt. Or if you have a well-meaning host who, for example, invites everyone at your office (and you have no intention of inviting any of them to your wedding), it's okay to stick to a smaller wedding guest list. Most coworkers should not be expecting an invitation to the wedding anyway.

Is it appropriate for a couple to initiate their own engagement party or is someone from either of the families supposed to do that?

Anyone can host the engagement party, although traditionally the bride's parents host the first soiree. But, more and more couples are opting to throw their own engagement parties these days, so go for it! Also, you don't have to stop at just one party. If you and your fiance want to have a party for your friends and family, your parents can have a separate one later. The more the merrier!

I'm thinking of popping the question to my girlfriend soon. My problem is that her parents live in Arkansas and I live in Texas. How should I go about telling her parents that I plan to ask her to marry me? What is the proper way to do this? Would asking them in a letter or over the phone be too impersonal? Please help.

If you can't make a trip out there, it is okay to write a letter to her parents or call them. But, if you can swing it, contact them and see if you can visit, even if you just drive out for the day. No doubt they would be very impressed if you made the effort to ask in person! As far as what to say, that's really up to you. Just let them know that you love their daughter and want her to be your wife, and you'd love to have their blessing. That's really all they'll expect you to say. Then -- welcome to the family!

I want do something different: I want to ask my boyfriend to marry me. But I'm having trouble finding an engagement ring for him. Where should I look?

What a great idea! You can get your boyfriend any kind of ring -- it doesn't have to be a diamond solitaire. It can be a simple gold, platinum, or silver band, for example, or something embedded with, say, both of your birthstones. Be sure to get a special message engraved on the inside, too.

Specialty jewelry stores are probably the best places to look. You won't find all that many men's rings in chain or department stores, but look in small, arty shops --especially the kind that sell the work of local artists -- for unique men's rings.

What is the best way to tell our kids we're getting married? Our daughters have both said they will not live with us if we get married; our two sons are more accepting of this marriage. Should we let them all know ASAP so they can get used to the idea? Should we tell them separately or together?

You should each tell your own children separately. That way you can all express your feelings openly -- the kids won't feel they can't say what they think because your fiance and his kids are there. Open communication seems especially important because your daughters have already expressed reservations about you two getting married. It's crucial to let all the kids know your plans right away, so, as you said, they can get used to the idea. You need to also make it clear that you want them to keep communicating with you about how they feel; try to get to the root of your daughters' issues with the marriage, and take the necessary steps to smooth the transition. Perhaps family counseling would help in this respect. Above all, be sure to make them feel they are an important part of your union -- the joining of your two families -- by involving them in the planning and including and/or honoring them during the ceremony.

Should the groom's parents invite the bride's parents to dinner upon learning of the engagement?

Traditionally, yes -- the groom's parents "call on" the bride's parents after their son tells them he's getting hitched. That means they either drop them a note or make a phone call to make plans to get together, which can mean dinner or drinks at their home, dinner and drinks out, a weekend trip to the town where they live, or whatever they're most comfortable with. But it's also totally acceptable for the bride's parents to make the first move, or for the couple to arrange a group gathering to get everyone acquainted.

What do you say when people ask you why you are getting married or tell you to wait? I am still in college, but I've been engaged for two years. As my wedding date approaches, I'm asked this question more and more. I know what I'm doing with my life. How should I respond to this??

Don't feel like you have to defend yourself. People are probably looking at the youth factor: You're still in school, you haven't "lived" yet, there's so many fish in the sea, etc. They're thinking about when they were in college, who they were dating then, what their lives would be like if they had married that person. But this is your life, and you're the only one who can decide the direction it takes. If you've been engaged for two years, the two of you are obviously serious about your relationship and feel committed to each other. Go with your instincts. If nothing feels more right to you than marrying your sweetie, you should do it. When people protest, tell them you appreciate their thoughts and concern (smile sweetly -- you can do it!), but you're very happy with the decision you've made, and you hope that they will support it. End of story.

Is it proper to call my ex to inform him that I'm engaged?

The only time you should definitely spill the beans about your engagement is when you have kids with your ex, as your new marriage will then strongly impact his or her life and the lives of your children. If you're still friendly with your ex (or at least civil) and you run into each other or chat sometimes, it's a nice thing to let him or her know -- everyone likes to know when their former lovers have moved on. But if it's someone you never see anymore and really don't care to see, you don't need to track him or her down to announce the happy news.

I just got engaged and everyone keeps telling me that we need an "engagement picture." What exactly is this for? We already have great pictures of us.

An engagement picture is typically a professional photograph taken to use with your engagement announcement or to create a wedding web page. While it is certainly not required, it is a nice chance to get some great pictures of you and your fiance (and show off your ring). But if this isn't your thing or money is tight, skip it. You are right that you can always use a favorite picture that you already have for announcements in your local papers.

Is the guy supposed to include the girl when selecting an engagement ring, or is she supposed to be surprised?

It's a long-standing tradition that the guy chooses the ring he thinks is perfect for his gal, then surprises her by popping the question. Historically, that's just "the way it was done." But let's talk reality for a second. This is a ring the bride will wear for a long, long time, so she'd better like it. What could be worse than watching her open the box and say "Oh", because it's not quite what she really wanted? There's nothing wrong with the bride letting the groom in on the style of diamond she thinks is coolest (even if it's just the shape she prefers; you can always change the setting). Let's face it -- a guy wants to see his sweetie's face light up when she sees he's chosen the perfect ring, but he can't be expected to read her mind. So pointing him in the right direction will make everyone happy. On the flip side, if a girl would rather select the exact ring she wants, these days that's totally acceptable, too!

I know that you should announce the engagement to your parents first, but what do you do when people notice your ring? Should you not wear it until you tell both sets of parents?

You don't have to wait to wear your ring or lie to people if they ask about it. But usually after a couple gets engaged, the first thing they do is visit their families with the news or call if they live far away. If you have kids from a previous marriage, they come first. If your parents live in another city but you would prefer to let them know about your engagement in person, you don't have to be engaged in secret until you see them. Just don't tell people who might talk to them before you do. You might want to call and let them in on your plans, then arrange a time for all of you to get together.

Wedding on a long weekend, where to include wedding registry, wedding after a death in a family? etc

2008-08-19T11:33:00.001-07:00

Is it ok to include registry information with the wedding invitation?
Don't even think about it. A present is not the price of admission to your wedding, which is the message you send by including a card. (on the other hand, it's fine to list where you're registered - discreetly - on your wedding website, as most guests will head there in search of the information.) A shower invite should mention where the bride is registered, because the whole point of that gathering is to "shower" the bride with gifts. So if you've got preprinted "Mike and Jeanne are registered at..." cards, you can hand them over to the shower hostesses to tuck into those envelopes.

My fiance's father died unexpectedly of a heart attack, and our wedding is next month. Do we need to change our plans? We're really torn.
The answer is going to be different for every situation, but if your fiance and his immediate family agree, we suggest going ahead with the wedding. Look at it as a celebration of the continuation of life-but be prepared for some emotional moments throughout the day. Keep in mind that you may have a lower guest count than originally planned, as many family members will still be in mourning and not in the frame of mind to attend a public event like a wedding. The ceremony program is a good place to include a dedication to your fiance's father.

My fiance and maid of honor had a huge fight last week, and now he insists that I kick her out of the wedding party. Can I do that?
No. Once you've asked someone to be an attendant (or take any role in the wedding), you can't rescind your invitation. Don't add to the drama by taking sides: Have a heart-to-heart with each of them about how you feel, and urge them to take the high road by behaving civilly toward each other at group events leading up to the big day. Avoid situations that would involve just the three of you. And if you've got a few months before the wedding, all the better: It's been said before, but time is a great healer.

My mom got remarried when I was 17, and I've never gotten along with my stepfather. But my mom says I have to invite his aunt and cousins, out of respect. Is she right?
It depends on who's paying for the wedding. If you and your fiance are footing the entire bill yourselves, you're under no obligation to invite your stepfather's relatives. But if your mom and stepdad are paying a substantial portion of the tab, they should be permitted to choose an allocated number of guests, including your stepfather's family.

How formal do the names on invitations have to get? Do I have to call my Uncle Frank "Francis"? And my brother is John Christopher, but he's gone by Chris his whole life.
How you choose to address the envelopes is really your call. Are you having a black-tie affair with hand-calligraphed invitations? You may get a kick out of using full names, which certainly sets a formal tone. But if the vibe of your wedding is casual, it might make more sense to use the common names. Some nicknames, however, are better left off any type of invitation - nobody wants to see "Shorty" on an envelope.

I'd like to register for lingerie to give my shower guests more gift options than just kitchen and tableware items. My sister thinks it's tacky. Is it?
Silk robes and satin nighties tacky? No way! Just make sure your choices are tasteful and that your registry offers plenty of traditional options too, like, kitchen tools and bath towels, which older folks will gravitate toward. You don't want to make your sweet Nana have to choose between a peekaboo teddy and a lace thong.

My fiance's mom and stepmom both want to do the mother-son dance with him. Should he start the dance with one and then switch to the other, or do two separate dances?
He should dance with his mom first, right after the bride and groom's first dance, and then escort his stepmom onto the dance floor later in the evening. Make sure he picks out two different songs, staggers the timing out of the dances, and doesn't let either mom cut in on the other.

Do we need to tip people like the photographer, florist, and DJ?
Traditionally, vendors who produce actual goods, such as a photographer and florist, don't receive tips, unless you feel someone went above and beyond her duties. But those who provide services, like a DJ, waiter, and hair and makeup artist, often receive a gratuity. For a DJ, it's customary to give $50 or more.

My fiance's grandmother gave me her heirloom wedding shawl to wear, but it's hideous. Help!
Thank her for it, but don't feel obligated to wear it down the aisle or even at the reception. (You can always tell her you're warm from all the excitement.) But do put it on at some point, either before or after the ceremony, and pose for a picture with Grandma. A little gesture can go a long way.

We're planning to buy a house and don't know yet how we'll be furnishing it. Would it be all right if we skip the china and register for gift cards instead? They'd be more useful.
Scratch that thought. Even though you like the idea of shopping on someone else's tab, wedding guests almost always want to give something tangible. (Aunt Rose will be happy knowing that you'll be using her turkey platter for many Thanksgiving to come). The good news is that most stores allow you to check a box that adds a "Gift cards are also welcome" message to the bottom of your list, which is a more subtle alert that you're down with free money. One thing to note: If a store declares bankruptcy, it isn't always obligated to honor gift cards, so be sure you don't let them languish in a box somewhere. Use them!

Because of our religion, we're not having any dancing at the wedding. How do I entertain people?
Make a couple of strategic planning moves and you won't have to worry about the entertainment. Instead of having a formal evening reception, where dancing would be expected, have a daytime wedding and bring the party outdoors. Plan on a three-hour time limit - if you have a receiving line, toasts, meal, cake-cutting, and dessert, you won't need to do anything else. But if you'd like to add a little extra to the proceedings, hire strolling musicians or an a cappella group, or set up a make-your-own sundae station.

Is it rude to get married on the Saturday night of a long holiday weekend? We haven't decided on a date yet, but some of our friends are already saying that it will mess up their plans.
Rude? No. Inconvenient for some? Most likely. But you have the right to get married whenever and wherever you like, just as a potential guest has the right to decline an invitation. That said, if you know that most of your friends go away for July 4th weekend and you're planning a local wedding, be prepared either for a smaller guest list or dealing with some unhappy pals. Ultimately, the choice is yours.

Forgotten to invite someone, wear green to wedding, who gives toast? etc

2008-08-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

Is it okay if we ask our guests to wear green to the wedding? It seems like a really cool way to make a statement about the environment.
We're all about saving the earth, but this request strikes us as more self-indulgent than sensible. It's tough enough for a wedding guest to pull together an appropriately fabulous outfit without having a color restriction - and, we might add, a color that's far from universally flattering - added to the mix. Instead, show your concern for the environment by using flowers grown locally, serving an organic menu and, in lieu of favors, making a donation to an eco-charity in honor of your guests.

When does the best man give his toast? Who else can give one?
Traditionally, the best man gives the first toast at the reception, but these days the maid of honor often makes a speech as well. As for timing, at a cocktail wedding reception, wait until everyone has a drink in hand before starting the toasts; at a seated meal, begin when everyone has taken a chair (and has a drink). The rehearsal dinner is more of a glass-clinking free-for-all, when anyone can stand up and tell sweet, sentimental, or funny anecdotes about the two of you.

At my friend's bridal shower, each woman was asked to write her name and address on a blank envelope, to help the bride with her thank-you notes. I love the idea, but my mom says it's tacky. Will guests be all right with this?
Nope - Mom wins this round. You wouldn't invite guests for a dinner party and ask them to stay to wash the dishes, would you? And while we're at it, we also give the thumbs-down to those preprinted thank-you notes on which guests fill in their name and gift, and all you do is stick on a stamp. Your friends and loved ones have taken the time to purchase a present and attend your shower, so the least you can do is send a handwritten note (and an envelope!). If the thought of writing 40 thank-you notes is overwhelming, divvy up the job into more manageable bits, like writing just five notes every night.

Can the maid of honor carry my one-year-old son down the aisle? We want him to be in the ceremony.
Carrying a baby isn't like carrying a bouquet. What will happen if he starts crying? She can't exactly rush back down the asile as you are about to make your entrance. A better idea: have someone who's not in your bridal party sit in the first row holding your son on her lap. Make an arrangement with your officiant to perform a family blessing during the ceremony - your MOH can bring him up for that.

My mom died when I was 12, and I want to include her name on the invitation. But my stepmom wnats it to say that I'm the daughter of "Mr. and Mrs. John Brady." How do I keep the peace with her while still respecting my mom's memory?
Only living relatives should be listed on your invitation - they're the ones doing the "inviting" for this occasion - so don't list your mother's name there. Print a tribute to her in your program instead. If you're planning an engagement or wedding announcement in the newspaper, though, it's perfectly acceptable to call yourself "the daughter of the late Barbara Brady." If you're rather not be listed as your stepmother's "daughter" on the invitation, use this phrasing, which still acknowledges her as a host: "Mr. and Mrs. John Brady/request the honour of your presence/at the marriage of Mr. Brady's daughter..."

We're on a tight budget. Do we need to invite my sister's boyfriend to the rehearsal dinner? They've been together only three months.
The significant other of every person attending the rehearsal - spouse, fiance, and anyone in a serious relationship - should be invited to the dinner. There's no hard-and-fast rule regarding length of the relationship, but if your sister considers herself part of a couple, her man should get the green light and be invited.

Do I have to serve dinner to the photographer and DJ at the reception?
Yes, but it doesn't have to be the same meal you serve your guests. Most catereres have less-expensive options for vendor meals. If your venue hosts a lot of weddings, there's probably already a designated spot (most likely a room that's separate from the reception) where they can relax and take a break.

My cousin wants to wear his military dress uniform to the wedding. I'm proud of him, but I'm worried he'll cause too much of a distraction. Am being self-centered?
As long as he's in the service and entitled to wear the uniform, it's fine. He'll probably receive more attention than if he were wearing a business suit, but if you're worried about his taking the focus off you and your fiance, don't be. Nothing can eclipse the bride and groom.

My mom's friends want to throw me a shower in my hometown. (I live two hours away now.) The trouble is, we're keeping our wedding very small, and I wasn't planning to invite any of them. It all seems kind of awkward.
Sounds like you're aware of the rule that everyone invited to a bridal shower is also asked to the wedding. But are you sure your mom hasn't already told them you're having a small wedding? If she did, and they still insist on throwing you a shower, you should graciously accept. If they don't know your plans, have your mom pass along the message that you'd love to do something more casual with them, like meet up for brunch at a local restaurant.

Do we need to wait until thank-you notes are sent to our guests before depositing their checks?
No. Deposit the checks as soon as possible. If you're leaving for your honeymoon the next day and won't have time to go to the bank, ask a trusted friend or family member to make the deposits. As with all wedding presents, it's best not ot delay sending thank-you notes. Put this job at the top of your to-do list for when you return from your honeymoon.

I'm getting married in two weeks, and I just bumped into a distant cousin whom I really like, but had completely forgotten to invite to the wedding. The invites have already gone out, but is it acceptable to still send her one? Do I need to explain?
Put an invitation in the mail, omit the reply card (since the "reply by" date has most likely passed), and follow up with a phone call. You don't have to say that you "forgot", just tell her that you were so happy to reconnect with her and that you'd love to see her at the wedding if she's free.

We're not Jewish, but we love the significance and look of a huppah. Can we still use one at the wedding ceremony?
Just call it a canopy instead of a huppah, and of course you can have one. Wedding canopies are especially popular for outdoor ceremonies, where they can help define the altar area. According to Jewish wedding custom, four attendants hold or stand by the poles, and a prayer shawl is draped over the top. Obviously, you'd omit these specific elements, but feel free to get creative with other wedding details and embellishments.